The preview shows none of this. It actually just shows John Cusack (whom I love) in a endless stream of suspenseful moments. Quite incredible that he is normally in a car or airplane or some other metal casing with windows. I guess in the end-times you do that a lot. Apparently there was a secret project to create a few super-arks that they would fly all of humanity into and then save it that way. They also air-drop some animals into it for good measure. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are re-using the stuff from Evan Almighty.

I am not even going to mention how they call the Mayans the ‘earliest civilization’ which could not possibly be any further from the truth. Oh, there I went mentioning it.

Prediction :

I really don’t expect much from this movie and its timing is kind of odd but hey, at least it doesn’t have Dakota Fanning and Tom Cruise in it… I’m looking at you War of the Worlds (2005).

Actual Review:

This is fun. “2012″ delivers what it promises, and since no sentient being will buy a ticket expecting anything else, it will be, for its audiences, one of the most satisfactory films of the year. It even has real actors in it. Like all the best disaster movies, it’s funniest at its most hysterical. You think you’ve seen end-of-the-world movies? This one ends the world, stomps on it, grinds it up and spits it out. (3 1/2 stars) – Roger Ebert (link)

I remember when I went to see the original Final Destination I found it sort of entertaining. The plot of these movies is that a character can see a few seconds into the future and can therefore set himself up to cheat death. It also claims that no matter where death will find you. I don’t remember any of the actual deaths in the movie except for the last, um, falling billboard? scene. Which brings me back to this weeks unwatchable movie. The Final Destination.

Keeping with the tradition of naming your movie whatever the original movie was except by adding or removing ‘The’ or some other silly thing (Notorious for this is the The Fast & The Furious series). The Final Destination is the fourth installment of the series. The main argument I have against this film is in the trailer. The trailer takes us to a NASCAR race in a place where the main character can see the screws unscrewing from the fence and the cement cracking in the pillars that keep the place together. Theres a huge crash and because of his vision he saves all of his friends… except he didn’t because you can’t cheat death. Get it?

One of his friends dies immediately after they lave the stands because a wheel flew off a car in the wreck and lands on her. Another death seems to be a car falling on top of the person. The other is a lawnmower shooting a rock and other random explosions that are the staple of these films. Then we get into the ridiculous deaths. A short in a car wash causes the machines to go crazy, while this happens the car’s sunroof opens and then a pipe bursts. The car, which is apparently water-sealed, fills with water. The woman in the car cant lower the windows, or break them and ends up gasping for air through the sunroof only to be killed by the giant drying roller.

Then there’s also a malfunctioning escalator that apparently breaks into pieces and eats one of the characters…

Look, obviously they just wanted to come up with the most bizarre and funny deaths they could have come up with and that’s exactly what they did. These deaths are also augmented by the movie being in 3D. I am sure that the 3D part of the movie is going to be exaggerated in each and every one of these scenes and that appeals to the same public that watched Final Destination 3D (the last installment) but then again, those people already know who they are.

It just feels like there’s nothing new this movie has to add to the whole ‘you cant cheat death’ thing. I’d personally prefer going to see Inglorious Basterds again.

Prediction :

This movie will do o.k. in theaters because of its 3D-ness and because theres no other real thriller out there. I don’t know about it having much legs on video though, since the movie is obviously tailored towards the 3D experience. I’m sure they’ll have enough money to make a 5th one… which doesnt mean they should.

Actual Review:

(At the time of writing, Ebert has not written a review, and this is the only review in Rotten Tomatoes)

Whatever hints of originality lay in the series’ previous editions have been all but sucked out of this one. – Jordan Mintzer (Variety)

—-

Unwatchables - is a series of posts wherein I rant about movies I have not seen

Again, I would like to make sure everybody understands, unless otherwise noted, I have not seen these movies. Hopefully these non-reviews save everybody some money or at the very least serves as a well timed ‘I told you so’

G.I. Joe : The Rise of Cobra is probably last on my list of movies to watch this summer. In fact, if I had started this column earlier this summer I would have listed Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen as one of my least expected movies of the summer and while that looked like a train wreck it looks like a masterpiece when compared to G.I. Joe.

G.I. Joe, according to this movie, is a group of elite recruits from armed forces around the world. That is not the ‘Real American Heroes’ that I remember. Oh, they answer to the U.S. Government? Okay, whatever, lets forget that they’re destroying my childhood with this ‘multinational’ stuff and carry on.

The trailer shows the Eiffel tower being eaten at by some weird green thing and the members of the team in some kind of bionic suit. That seems like the making of some non-stop action movie… sadly I like my non-stop action with some silly story not just some rehash of Team America: World Police.

Up until here you have a few things that are not great but definitely not anything catastrophic until you consider the finer points of the movie.

1. The director Stephen Sommers directed the enjoyable The Mummy (1999) and then went to direct one of my most Unwatchable movies of all time Van Helsing.
2. The flick has the lowest screening test scores in the history of Paramount (link)
3. The director was fired from the movie and Stuart Baird (editor of Casino Royale) was brought in to try and salvage the film. (link)
4. Producers later denied that Sommers had been fired from the movie but did not comment on if he had any say in the post-production process of the movie citing that the movie “tested very well”. (link)
5. The comedic relief is provided by Marlon Wayans, I dont think I need to link to any of his recent work.
6. The film was not shown to critics before release (which is normally used to hype the movie… Another movie that did not do press screenings: Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds) (link)
7. Google an image of Cobra.
8. Rotten Tomatoes had a 41% after the first showings last night. Today it shows a 39% which might mean that audiences are not sticking forks into their eyes and are actually making it safe back to their computers in order to say how mediocre, derivative and redundant this movie is. (link)

Prediction:

I think the movie will not do well at all in theaters but will really take off in rentals. I think I will end up seeing it at some point when I go visit my cousin and he makes me watch it… like he made me watch the original Transformers for a second time.

Actual Review:

“G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is a 118-minute animated film with sequences involving the faces and other body parts of human beings. It is sure to be enjoyed by those whose movie appreciation is defined by the ability to discern that moving pictures and sound are being employed to depict violence. Nevertheless, it is better than “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” – Roger Ebert (link)